Chapter one

A time of confusion

Walking with her friend to his house without a care in the world. This is where the story began. Looking back on it now, the woman scoffed as how naïve she was. She had been told time and time again that it was unsafe. But she thought to herself, “it’ll be alright. He’s just a friend. A nerd like me. It’ll all be chill”. They met through mutual friends and they all watched Joker at the movies some time before, so she didn’t think anything of it.

The walk to his house was nice, just two friends walking, talking and getting to know each other further. They arrived shortly, and began to play video games. The only games she had played were on her Nintendo ds, and on her cousin’s console, so this was a whole new playing field for her. It was funny watching how much of an expert he was compared to us. She felt like a little girl again. But then things got… weird. To pass more time they started to play truth or dare. The adult version.

Bit by bit, the dares made her more and more uncomfortable, and she didn’t know what to do. There was one of his friends’ home in his university accommodation. But he would just take his friends side. Or he could be asleep. She had to get out of there. So, she did. But as she was out the door to go home, he did something unthinkable. He touched her. She was astounded, and I seemed that he didn’t realise what he did. He was just laughing. The walk home for her was dark and lonely.

Chapter two

Self-doubt

The woman had no idea where she was. “What am I doing here? Who am I? Who have I become?” Where was this all taking place? In the club. She couldn’t believe she was even in there, let alone having an existential crisis.

Watching all of the people around her, including their friends, having the time of their life, she realised something. She didn’t belong there. And she didn’t want to belong there either. She would much rather be at home with a good book and rustic music playing in the background. Or at church. Or asleep. Anywhere but where she was at that moment.

The woman looked at her friend and pleaded, “I wanna go and get some water from the bar, can you come with me please?” Thankfully the friend said yes. And so they waded through the sea of her wasted agemates until they reached the bar.

The woman at this point was thinking of calling it a day and going home on her lonesome. She lived across the road so it’s not like she would get into any kind of trouble. But then a ray of sunshine shone bright in the dark and faded atmosphere.

Chapter three

Isolation with a cherry of depression on top

She couldn’t believe her eyes. Finally, a break. She saw that one of her friends, one of her good friends was a bartender. She felt relieved that she could talk to someone that was sober. “Hey man, how are you?”, “It’s pretty loud in here right?”, “If I wasn’t working, I would be dancing with y’all too!” Just a breath of fresh air really. Casual conversations aside, the woman and her friend chilled out by the bar for a while, just talking and laughing. They eventually went back to find their other friends.

Hours later, after dancing, saying their goodbyes (well the woman mostly), and getting some takeout, they all headed home. Alone in her room, she thought “how did I get to this point? How did I change so much?” “I can’t tell anyone about this. The way I’ve been feeling. I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. So therefore, I have no right to feel upset or feel angry”.

And who could she tell? Her friends? No, she didn’t trust anyone that much. Her family? Certainly not, she would get slapped into next week for going to a boy’s house, friend or not in the first place. And so, she told her youth pastor everything. Telling somebody, even if it was just one, made her feel a lot better. He made her laugh in her time of pain.

Chapter 4

Realisation

Telling one person that she could trust was a start. But she felt that she was still isolated. That she had nobody to talk to. She got into her head too much. The more she held onto this secret, her secret, the more and more depressed she felt. She felt that the world was pressing and pushing further and further down onto her heart. How can depression be described? To her it felt like an overwhelming feeling of sadness, a pressing feeling of sadness.

When she was with her friends, she was the comedian, making everybody laugh. But when she got home to her university accommodation she would randomly start crying, sobbing. And she would sink onto the floor and wrap herself up in her bedsheets. In the art studio, the woman felt like a stranger. No one she could talk to, nobody that looked like her. She felt as if she was alone all over again, feeling helpless and lost.

But she knew that even if she felt that she had no one to talk to, she knew that she did. “Even though I feel down” she said to herself, “I know I have people that I trust to voice my frustrations to. That doesn’t mean I have to tell every living detail, but I have to start somewhere”. So, she called up a friend. The phone rang and rang. With each abrasive buzz, she thought to call it off. But then she heard a voice. “Hey girl, how’s it going? Hope you’re doing good.” And then she unloaded.

Chapter five

Sense of peace in times of trouble

Telling someone else about her issues helped to release a weight off her shoulders. She felt so much happier, so much lighter.

One habit that the woman had developed was going to play basketball, almost every night, to practice and clear her head. She put her earphones in her ears and got to work. As she was dribbling, she noticed the occasional person pass by. It was pretty late so that would be when people would be going home. Either that or they were going to the club.

Gradually, the woman started to feel more and more like herself. She realised that talking about what she is going through wasn’t “cringe worthy”. It didn’t make her a weakling. It didn’t make her someone that was annoying, or a burden to her friends. It made her a stronger person to unleash what was holding her back.

She looked at the sky and analysed her time in the wasteland called university. And at the end of the day, she knew that one day she would be able to fly. She felt the rushes of wind glide past her and she felt better. She felt hope in her time of trouble. At ease. She felt at home.

By Aleida Hammond

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Aleida Hammond is an artist, writer and a poet. Her hobbies include playing the guitar, writing short stories and poetry and art. Currently studying at Loughborough University, she has finished a foundation course and is going on to her first year of studying Fine Art. What got her into art and writing was the encouragement of her primary school teachers. They encouraged her to use channel her imagination and continue to be creative. Other hobbies that she has are exercise, basketball, reading and dance.